Sunday, June 17, 2012

Reminder: You Are Going to Die


Please do not forget our special obituary offer! If you are considering putting this off until another day, we strongly urge you to recognize that your feeble life will at any moment be scraped away as so many words from the palimpsest of this world. What if "another day" is simply too late? Who, then, will be left to write of you? A blubbering mother? A bewildered widower? A lowly intern?

But perhaps you are not yet ready to confront your own momentary existence in such a summary fashion? Or possibly you are simply shiftless, lazy and dull? Please, reconsider your life.

People, here is the bottom line: you send us as much of the information listed below as you would like, which is merely a matter of entering a few things you shouldn't even have to think very hard about, and we do the real work. What do we do? First, we read this litany of absurd "facts" which you claim constitute the lie that is your life. Second, we recast the whole of this list into a handsome review that, rest assured, will not in the least resemble skulduggery. Third, we will draw your portrait. Fourth, we will send you a physical booklet containing your obituary.

Wasting few minutes of your time with us now will ensure that others will waste their time on you before your time is even up. Do not hesitate.

Send information to: domesticbemuse1(at)gmail(dot)com.

What we need:

  • Your full name, along with any nickname you have been unfortunate enough to have placed upon you by the withering drivel of "affectionate" persons
  • Your date of birth
  • The city and state in which you reside
  • The place, date and cause of your death, should you already happen to know such things
  • Your place of birth
  • Names of parents, siblings, spouses, children, pets or basically anyone whose corporeal presence has invaded your space of existence to such an extent you feel compelled to render them "significant" (please be sure to indicate the nature of each relationship specifically)
  • Education, employment, hobbies, or other ways in which you have wasted your time here
  • Awards, charities, community services, activism, things you would have people believe they should be "proud" of you for doing
  • Dates associated with any of the aforementioned items, should you think such information purposeful
  • Expressions of your disappointments, life's regrets (not all of them, please, we don't have all week to be reading this stuff)
  • Amusing anecdotes illustrating the "real you," or some unusual talent you typically reserve only for drunkenly impressing coworkers at holiday parties, potential mates at the pub, or suchlike "life of the party" antics
  •  Survivors (family, etc.)
  • Those with the good sense to have died before you  (family, etc.)
  • Places of memorial service and internment, should you already have the arrangements made
  • Special thank yous, a favorite quote, or other "pleasant" words to really finalize it for the rest of us 
  • No comments:

    Post a Comment