How would you like to be remembered? Or, if not "remembered" exactly, how, at least, would you like your life to be summed up in an average of 200 words or less so that some distant acquaintance who hasn't thought of you in at least a decade will feel a twinge of delicate remorse when, having one morning sat down to their cup of medium roast and bagel with extra cream cheese, they open the paper and learn that your time has finally come? How would you like to make perfect strangers cry over the simple fact that they will never have the opportunity to know you now that your miserable spirit has been buffed from this mortal coil? How would you like to remind former lovers of their own impending demise? How would you like that?
Well, the Cunny Isle Bemusement Park is offering you the chance to have some input. Just send us some information about yourself, and we will draft an obituary for you.
And, barring an encounter with Abaddon on the part of either you yourself or we the writers, you will have the enviable luxury of reading your obituary whilst still amongst those sealed in flesh. Your obituary will be collected along with those of your fellow to-be-deceased-denizens-of-the-earth in a lovely photocopied anthology, decorated throughout with the most magisterial black-and-white drawings our admittedly meager coffers can afford to reproduce on the aforementioned machinery. A copy of this book we will send to you so that you may number it among your many other idiotic material possessions and, we humbly suggest, have your corpse one day buried or burned with this document clutched in your cold, cold hand. The authors also hope that you will indicate to your survivors your wish to have this obituary printed in your local community newspaper upon your erasure.
What we need from you, to the best of your ability:
- Your full name, along with any nickname you have been unfortunate enough to have placed upon you by the withering drivel of "affectionate" persons
- Your date of birth
- The city and state in which you reside
- The place, date and cause of your death, should you already happen to know such things
- Your place of birth
- Names of parents, siblings, spouses, children, pets or basically anyone whose corporeal presence has invaded your space of existence to such an extent you feel compelled to render them "significant" (please be sure to indicate the nature of each relationship specifically)
- Education, employment, hobbies, or other ways in which you have wasted your time here
- Awards, charities, community services, activism, things you would have people believe they should be "proud" of you for doing
- Dates associated with any of the aforementioned items, should you think such information purposeful
- Expressions of your disappointments, life's regrets (not all of them, please, we don't have all week to be reading this stuff)
- Amusing anecdotes illustrating the "real you," or some unusual talent you typically reserve only for drunkenly impressing coworkers at holiday parties, potential mates at the pub, or suchlike "life of the party" antics
- Survivors (family, etc.)
- Those with the good sense to have died before you (family, etc.)
- Places of memorial service and internment, should you already have the arrangements made
- Special thank yous, a favorite quote, or other "pleasant" words to really finalize it for the rest of us
Your information can be sent to domesticbemuse1(at)gmail(dot)com. Please include your address if you would like us to mail a copy of the book to you when it is completed, or we will notify you by email and you may come by our offices to pick up a copy in person. Thank you.
Cunny Isle Bemusement Park
Department of Fits, Shits and Obits