It is a universal truth, that no one ever has had a perfect
body. But what’s to stop us now from
achieving perfection? Science and
technology everyday are bringing us closer to our ultimate goal of bodily
perfection. Botox, dietetics, plastic
surgery, precision exercise methods are all bringing us near to the
possible. All we need is the leisure
time and the money to have the body we’ve always wanted and the life we’ve
always dreamed of.
I wish I could say that the desire to be stronger, healthier
catapulted me into action. But it was
sheer vanity—a photo of myself in a backless Issa—that startled me into
submission to the fitness gods. The
pointy scapulae, the scrawny arms—the message from my clattering bones was
“Give this girl some kettle bells!” So I
decided to attempt a body transformation with the following specific goals: to
sculpt my upper body and thighs, and to restore some toned flesh to my bony
behind, all to add (or replace) curves to my pencil-straight frame. How tough could it be? Celebrities change their bodies all the
time. From Cameron Diaz’s chiseled
biceps to Scarlett Johansson’s catsuit-ready thighs in “The Avengers,” these
perfectly cut specimens make it look easy.
Maybe too easy. For those of us without live-in personal chefs and
trainers to monitor our every step and bit, I couldn’t help wondering: Is such
a transformation really possible?
Fantasy or Reality?
Did you know sculpting muscle can alter your silhouette? Did you know that altering your silhouette
can make you 89% more attractive to people more than 5 feet away from you and
43% more attractive to people right next to you? Did you know that making yourself more
attractive increases your chances of making best friends, finding true love,
and winning the lottery? Did you know
that your silhouette can impact the trajectory of your life so severely? People with good silhouettes live longer, work
harder, make more money, and have more sexual partners. Their lives are obviously richer, because
obviously more of everything is always a good thing.
Emerson said reality was a surface and the true art of life
was to skate well upon it. But Emerson
had a deep understanding of artifice, a profound shallowness. Now imagine a world in which we believe our
understanding to be profound…o wait, you don’t have to imagine. Pick up a fashion magazine, walk down the
street, see a film. The world is more
shallow than it ever has been, bedazzlingly shallow. People are idiotic, stupid, foolish, vain,
greedy, and superficial. We bleed out so
slow, having so many band-aids, everything appears tis but a flesh wound. Plus, blood is so damn ugly, and we’ve evolved
the multitasking ability to faint while standing.
In this book, I’d like to collect the most brilliant,
bedazzled, impressionistic drops of wisdom ever before rained like
perfumed-sulphur upon our ears. Rilke
once heard the demand to change his life echo an alien history from an archaic
torso. Now the sight of naked torsos, ripped out of history or flabbed beyond
meaning, flash across screens multiple times a day, begetting envy or
repulsion, always instilling the assumption that our lives are fucked because
our bodies are flawed. It is amazing
that ugliness seems beyond meaning to us, as if it never had a history. We must
change our lives. What is there not a
cure for? O sure, many products don’t
work, but we just have to find the right one.
Make more money, work more, stress more, you’ll have to try quite a few
pills before you find the right cocktail, and then all will be gravy (but
remember gravy is awful for you, don’t eat it).
There is no smell we haven’t made artificially we do not
wish to eradicate from our world. I put
my fingers down my pants and finger myself before being intimate. What if my
pussy smells like my pussy? How
horrid.
The sight of a man wearing a bluetooth repulses you with its
robot-flavor. Robocop is laughed at as a
ridiculous action movie. But you get off
work and train and dream of a better body, a better body and then a better
boyfriend or girlfriend who has a better body than your boyfriend or girlfriend
right now. You take your cocktail of vitamins.
You try to balance probiotics, antibiotics, triptans, and uppers. It’s just a happy medium ya know? You just gotta find the sweet spot. The logic of your dream ends in Robocop. You won’t admit it, for no one, including
you, o wise one, ever admits the end.
The end has no surface and diving is a lost art. But let’s not assume the bottom of the ocean
has anything but shells.
Through that time of uncertainty regarding my health and
future, I turned, desperate, to many resources of reassurance: the face of my
ten-year old son crying, writing poetry, drugs, or a head-clearing jog. But by far my most enjoyable moments during
those trying months were spent browsing the pages of VOGUE. All of the
eye-catching layouts and interesting articles shifted my mind away from the difficult
reality I was facing. VOGUE reminded me
of the power and potential of the human spirit to create a beautiful
world—whether through designing exquisite clothes or writing fascinating
articles—and gave me hope. As I began to
focus my outlook on something wonderful instead of everything I dreaded, I
watched my body heal. Today I have been cancer-free for many months, and I
continue to look forward to all VOGUE has to offer.
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