1. "The Last I Heard of the English Turd"
There once was an, English Turd
Who went by the name of Duke Mockingbird.
The last I'd heard
He'd grown thin as a pin
On his diet of cauliflower and organic beancurd.
2. The Slug & The ladybug
A hatted slug and a naked ladybug
Lay making love on some grandmother's Persian rug.
And when the old lady walked out of her room
She gasped and reached for her broom
But before she could crush them under its needles
The dapper slug got in a last wheedle
And proved to that old, moral lady
He wasn't doing anything shady with this his naked lady,
"Stay yr broom," he said, "for legally & under God, I am this red lady's groom."
The old lady stayed her hand
And said, "In all the sakes of land,
You are a fine, even if a bit sluggish, gentleman,
Next time before you decide to take yr wife
Go somewhere private, for life is rife with strife
And old ladies always have at hand a broom
Or even, sometimes, a knife."
And with that the old lady drew out a teeth-sharpened butter knife
And took with a modicum of regret the slug's and the ladybug's pitiful lives.