1.
Eat until you get really, really fat.
2.
Always trust the little green squiggly lines
Microsoft Word puts under your sentences. This goes for the red lines, too
(duh).
3.
Try not to masturbate to pictures of people in
pain, even if you can plausibly imagine they’re enjoying it, as this will dull
your sensitivity to the world’s social ills and you won’t be a good writer
anymore.
4.
Definitely go to graduate school for something
related to English, probably an MFA, but take some Gender and Women’s Studies
classes too and try to get really professional. You can never be too
professional, really.
5.
Take a moment every day to look into the eye of
the sunset’s deep rose, imagine your life without words, without silence, and
adjust your inner meaning to the wistfulness of a life unsatisfied.
6.
Keep eating, fatass. Who told you to stop
eating?
7.
When you see a child, imagine yourself as that
child and immediately start writing. If you don’t think the child is old enough
to write much, then start crying.
8.
Get an agent pronto. Your agent should be named
Zadie Smith.
9.
The Internet: it’s a problem okay? You should
look at it but only as much as it helps you to be creative. The only thing more
important than eating is being creative and the internet can only help you do
those things some of the time.
Go
see a rom-com every now and then to remind yourself what is real life like.
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