God fucks the world coming workable fixative all over it’s
coal miner’s face.
Trailing negative space, he draws neon-pink tears with his
stylus running all down it’s face.
These days, Jennifer Lopez is speaking on divorce,
motherhood & looking fabulously fit.
Game-changing research has come to light on how to beat a migraine. But what is the most fun way to work
out? I want age-proof skin, better
curves. 2012 is the year of the best
body ever, and because of that I really need to take a look at the fashion
forecast for dreamy dresses, surprising colors, perfect T-Shirts, sporty bags
& shoes. Feeling the urge to do good
is nothing new, but every age gets the guru it deserves, and this is the age in
which we deserve a fitness guru. Just
two years ago, Rupa Mehta, a stealth dynamo trainer, entrepreneur,
philanthropist, and author, was poised to become the next big thing in the
fabulous fitness world. But Mehta walked
away from a national deal with Equinox after having an epiphany: “I realized that exercise can help children
deal with some of the stress in their lives.
That was huge for me when I realized that my forms of exercise could be
huge for the children.” Mehta may not
have invented the no-impact, fast-paced barre classes that have become so
popular among women seeking the long, lean look of a dancer, but she is a
master at keeping them exciting by constantly adding new props. “The muscles,” she says, “are like kids on
Christmas and like to be surprised.”
More complicated still is Mehta’s work with middle school students, many
of whom struggle with learning or behavioral disabilities. Before she gets them moving, she tries to get
them talking based on “Connect to Your One,” the book she wrote outlining her
philosophy of life, exercise, and the way our emotions can weigh us down. “Emotions are like fat,” Mehta sez, “they
just weigh you down and are totally not attractive. I mean, think of what a person looks like
crying. It’s disgusting. Sometimes snot comes out their nose. Their faces get all scrunched up and their
chests spasm. It’s like watching someone
dying, and a dying person is surely the least attractive person of all. I dread the day I die, I mean, who’s gonna
admire me then? Everything I’ve worked
for will be moot at that point…shit let’s not talk about it. Death, Africa, emotions…these are just things
best left ignored. They have no place in
life. What am I gonna do about it? See, that’s why I’m the guru this age
deserves. I have the wisdom to know
which things in life I can change and which I can’t, and by focusing on working
out, I totally exercise what I can change…the number of people who’d like to
fuck me.” “What are some words we hear in our lives that don’t make us feel
good?” Mehta asked, standing at the head of the classroom on the day I
observed. The children slumped in their
seats. “Stupid,” one said. “Dumb,” another quietly added. “Retarded,” another chimed in with a voice as
clear as a bell. It was enough to break
your heart, and I asked everyone, “What are some words we don’t hear in our
lives that don’t make us feel good?”
No one ever has nothing to lose anymore. Millions of women know Botox cosmetic. Botox cosmetic, onabotulinumtoxinA. It’s not retouching, it’s just touching…It’s
Botox cosmetic. Eight out of ten women
achieved clinically significant results at day 30 in clinical trials. Results may vary.
I prefer my birth control hormone free and my coffee
caffeine free, that’s how I roll, free as a freebird, like a rolling stone, and
let me tell ya it feels great to be all alone on my own, in the goddamn big
city. Life is so beautiful! I walk everywhere and see beautiful dresses
and purses I one day will own. Jobs are
gonna come. And if not a job, surely a
handsome prince, tall dark and handsome, with a good wristwatch, a clean car, a
hairless back, and a body which smells not like a body at all, but probably of
soap, shampoo, and a slight hint of aftershave!
And his luxurious penthouse will be clean and orderly and I’ll spend all
my time there until he asks me to move in, then I’ll work some sort of silly
job, like an internship or something, just to keep myself kind of busy until we
have children and I focus on them having the best. That’s going to take a lot of my time ya
know, I’ll have to be scouting the best little private schools, going to the
meetings, making sure the teachers are as smart as me, which of course they
won’t be ya know, cuz they’re just teachers, only dumb people wind up teaching,
anybody with half a brain wouldn’t be satisfied making twice what they make in
a year. Plus, they have to work so hard,
and let’s face it, they need to be working harder. China’s like totally kicking our ass out
there. Their teachers are really
drilling it, kicking it hardcore for the kids, and they’re just outstripping
us. I mean, I heard the U.S. was like
way behind in math and science and shit, and that’s why there’s all these
Chinese and Indians working for like major corporations cuz they’re like really
advanced and shit and America pays real top dollar to get em to come here. But ya know that just goes to show ya, how
much money really means. We got the
dollars here so we can steal like totally the top minds of our generation. Anyways, here I am in the big goddamn city,
and I just know I’m going to meet my Carrie, my Samantha, my Mr. Big. In fact, I think I’m Carrie. I’m looking so fly today ya know, and let’s
face it I’m totally a sexpert. People
are gonna pay me the big bucks to write about my awesome lovelife. Whoowee, last night, I went out with this
young fair-haired young buck who’s totally on his way right now in public
relations. He totally just helped Chris
Brown get over his negative image for that whole Rihanna incident. He tells me Chris Brown is like totally down to
earth, that most days Chris Brown gets his intern to get him a quarter pounder
with cheese for lunch. He’s like totally
like us, pigs out on hamburgers, takes vacations, sleeps at night…That was
cool. I hope he takes me to like a free
Chris Brown show or whatever. We like
totally fucked in his little studio apartment, but he sez he’s on his way
up. I dunno though, probably not fast
enough for me. I’m keeping my options
open ya know. I don’t wanna waste my
time, and I know I could totally do a lot better. I mean, if I had the opportunity to meet like
Donald Trump or whatever I know they’d take one look at me and fucking put me
on lockdown. You know men right, you
just gotta give em some sex and that’s all they care about as long as you don’t
give em too much, gotta keep em coming back for more, stoke the flames of
desire, so you get more gifts, make em work for it, but know when to relent and
let em have their way. Fucking men, I
mean, they’re all so dumb right? They like don’t even have emotions and shit,
at least, men with power certainly don’t, and who wants a man without money and
power? Not me. I’m gonna make it huge. Like for real huge.
I’m fucking gifted. Not only am I
brilliant, but I’m fucking hot as shit, ya know, like everybody tells me that,
pfffft, not that they need to ya know, I got fuckin mirrors, I can tell. Plus, men are like so gross, like naturally
gross. They have to do like all this
shaving and shit, and they get sweaty and stinky, so ya know, if ya can get
used to it, I mean, you can just about sleep with any dude. I mean, Trump, is totally disgusting, but
hell yeh I’d fuck him. Goddamn, life is
just so fucking beautiful. You gotta
take advantage of it while ya can you know.
Just live it up like there’s no tomorrow.
Frustratingly hard to treat and excruciatingly painful,
migraines have long been medicine’s unsolved mystery until now. No one who has ever lived through a migraine
ever forgets it, unless they get Alzheimer’s or have a stroke. A ruthlessly incapacitating brain disorder,
it has plagued women from Virginia Woolf (whose writing could halt for months
due to ‘wearisome headache’) to Princess Diana to Serena Williams. More than 10 percent of Americans are
afflicted, which costs the economy an estimated $30 billion annually. Don’t ask me how something “costs the
economy”—I’m still unsure how the economy should be personified, with or
without a wallet. Yet research is
dismally underfunded: In the last
half-century, triptans have been the only class of drugs developed specifically
for migraine.
“You want my real feeling as to why?” asks Robert Cowan,
M.D., director of the new Stanford Headache Clinic. “It’s a bit of sexism because migraine is
three times more common in women, and women’s chronic diseases have
traditionally not gotten much attention. And for many years, it was seen as a psychological issue—an excuse for not having
sex or going to work. Also, nobody dies from it.”
The good news for migraineurs, as sufferers are called, is
that headache centers at major medical centers are proliferating, and despite
limited funds, several promising new treatments have been developed.
Doctors used to tell patients to delay medication until pain
was moderate to intense—the point when many people are already en route to the
emergency room (migraines being one of the leading causes for visits). But there are a host of new drug-delivery
systems under development that patients can deploy themselves at the first sign
of pain. Cambia, for instance, is a new
formulation of the older anti-inflammatory diclofenac, but this one is a powder
that dissolves in water so that it enters the bloodstream more rapidly, giving
a migraineur crucial extra minutes of relief.
Or the common medication dihydro-ergotamine (DHE), which
Cowan calls “the gold standard” in emergency rooms: It’s traditionally given via I.V., but a new
inhaling system called Levadex, which has completed trials and is awaiting FDA
approval, is controlled by a gate. This
is critical, says Cowan (himself a migraineur), because without the gate…
The Transformers:
How much can you really change about your mind and
body? Three writers find out.
No comments:
Post a Comment